Episode Five. (By Myself - Linkin Park)

[April Lewis]

By Myself - Linkin Park

What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I let them go and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red handed
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can’t hold on when I’m stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again

by myself [myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself

[myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself

I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in

If I turn my back I’m defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they’ll
Take from me ‘till everything is gone
If I let them go I’ll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun
If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer

By myself
[myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself
[myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself

I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in

How do you think / I’ve lost so much
I’m so afraid / I’m out of touch
How do you expect / I will know what to do
When all I know / Is what you tell me to

Don’t you (know)
I can’t tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can’t seem to convince myself (why)
I’m stuck on the outside
Don’t you (know)
I can’t tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can’t seem to convince myself (why)
I’m stuck on the outside

I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in

I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking...

Well this week has been crazy, and all that it showed me was that I can't rely on anyone... not even myself. Chelsia, someone who I thought was a close ally threw me under the bus this week and told Keesha and Dan that I didn't swear on my grandmother... however I did. I don't know what Chelsia is trying to accomplish by doing that. I honestly think she was preparing herself just in case Dan or Keesha won HoH so that Scott and I would be the nominee's instead of her and Will. I can respect that, but it shows me that she is not all innocent and naive as she thinks she is being portrayed. And she told me she could never lie on the phone because it'd be too hard, and now all the sudden she doesn't want to talk on the phone anymore. Ha ha. Well Chelsia... when you get your next phone bill, you wont want to talk on the phone with me anymore because I lied and said I have Verizon when I really have T-Mobile.

However... I'm not a liar when it comes to Dan and I 3-waying Scott, and I never asked Keesha to evict Will so I don't know where she is coming from. I also never text Dan telling him to make sure he has the votes secured, I asked did he have the votes secure. The entire time I wanted it to come down to a tie... I had the oppurtunity to evict someone who tried to get me out, or evict someone who no one could ever evict before. I had the power last week, and I set it up this week for Keesha and Dan to be nominated by saving Will knowing that he is capable of winning anything and keeping me safe, he did just that. But when it comes to Will, I still don't feel entirely secure because he will do anything to get himself in this game even if it means throwing me under the bus. I'm just glad he kept his deal this week by nominating Keesha and Dan.

Keesha actually had the nerve to campaign a little this week, so when she is saying all this bull like she wants Dan to stay... she is a lying selfish bitch. I originally wanted the final five from the jury house to be Keesha, Chelsia, Will, Scott, and I. But since Keesha's little bitch fit; everything needs to change and Keesha needs to walk out that door.

I weighed in my options when it came to the nominee's... Dan is a better social player and has connections among the Firecrackers. While Keesha is a raging bitch who will do anything to see me leave, she's even told me that. Keesha sealed her own fate by evicting Will which I originally hoped would happen, and Dan will be spared for now but it gives me someone good to target if I ever happen to win HoH again which I will try my absolute best to do so. The April Lewis that throws every competition doesn't exist anymore, and wont be brought back for quite sometime I think. I have to rely on myself, no one else. And with Daniele, Keesha, Dan, and maybe even more people I have a feeling I have my work cut out for me when I make it to the merged house. I have to keep Scott close to me... and I might even strike as the mysterious guest once again.

I got yelled at a lot this week... I was accused of many things. But what people don't realize is that Scott and I control the votes yet again for the 2nd week in a row. I wouldn't underestimate April Lewis if I was one of the other houseguests. I might even surprise myself with whats to come of my future in this game... all I know is that I swear on my Grandma that I'm not giving up. It might have looked that way this week since I was hiding in the shadows and such, but all I was doing was trying to make myself look as vulnerable as possible so that when I strike again, they don't have any time to prepare for it. Janelle, Daniele, and Keesha's key are only 3 trophies I get to hang on the wall... I hope there is more to come.

[April Lewis]

Well Keesha left, and I was so glad.

Anyways; I wanted to say sooo much in my goodbye message to her, some really mean things. But I figured there would be a twist where someone was coming back into the game, and just in case it's Keesha I had to be somewhat nice even though I tried getting her disqualified from coming back in the game and she knows it. Although she really does deserve to be disqualified... she was campaigning for people to vote her back into the game. The little bitch better stay out of the game, even though I think she has a good chance at coming back in... ew!!! *Pukes*

Will, Chelsia, and I are already thinking of things to do for next week with the auction and our money to make sure that we win the HoH and keep ourselves safe... and if Keesha comes back in the house send her packing yet again. Lol.
I really hope Janelle/Dustin, and Amanda/Parker come back in the game. It'd be amazing!!

10 Down! 9 to Go... for now that is until people come back in the game.